The Surfer Theory


The Surfer Theory:

Men who surf are not only kinky but need a female led relationship.


Now I have spoken to several “surfers” who have confirmed my theory and I have seen it manifest without concern for age, ethnic background, or economic level.  I have also seen it take on different flavors from a vanilla boy unhappy with past relationships because the women all wanted him to be the strong one; to very kinky little boys who need a Mommy to love and discipline them.


Things surfers seem to have these things in common on some level:

The ocean is one of their favorite places to be

Being out on the water makes them feel alive

Even after having a painful/disastrous wipe-out, they can’t wait to go back

Being in the water, feeling the power of the waves, is an obsession

The ocean is capricious and unpredictable

Mother Nature is all powerful and controlling

Submitting to the waves is the way to overcome


And I have discovered a great deal of similarities in my many conversations with about 10-15 surfers I have met online (and in person) that connect to their needs in relationships:

Seeking “Mother Nature” type relationship

Want someone else to make the decisions

Need for female led relationship

Need for discipline

Need for love and affection

Need for the other person to have some level of control in their lives


Inference is the act or process of deriving logical conclusions from premises known or assumed to be true.


From these similarities in how they view the ocean, and how they view relationships I have made the following observation.  Surfers are kinky on some level and the majority I have met have a desire to have a specific type of D/s relationship:  Mommy/boy.

I understand and concede that this type of dynamic may be the extreme, but it is also the most commonly seen.


There seems to be some kind of correlation between how they view the ocean, surfing, Mother Nature; and the type of relationship they seek:  One that includes a dominant female, discipline (including pain and control) and soothing, affectionate aftercare.  In many cases there is also a sense of “worship” and a feeling that “Only Mommy really understands what I need most.”

There also seems to be a connection between the “taboo” quality of this type of D/s dynamic and the “anti-establishment” attitudes found in the surfer culture.

Finally, I am curious to connect with and “survey” by conversation, any surfers who feel they may connect to this theory on any level.  Feel free to contact me with “Surfer Theory” in your subject line, or first sentence.

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Generations from now

thizbeeBack CameraGenerations from now,

How will the hipsters,

Who haven’t been born yet;

See us?


What will they think of their past?

What will they think is cool?

How important will these things be?


Fashion, Art, Music,

Love, Lust, Morality?


Money, Infamy, Celebrity,

Motivation, Influence, Notoriety?


Drama economics, Wrong wing Bullies,

Dog eat Dog, God eat God,

Two class society (sounds like slavery)

Power hungry political progeny


And this makes me think about the victims of Social tormentors


The rich kid, bully,

Perfect at everything,

Ex-jock, ex-prom-queen,

Ex-movie star, political superstar.


Climbing the corporate ladder to success on the backs of your victims:

Just like when we were in 2nd grade

And you pushed me down

And all our friends laughed.


You already have everything.

I’m nothing

I got nothing

Why do you keep hurting me?


So you established your dominance

And have been vying for

Your way to the top

Ever since.


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The Rev Mel Show with guest Author Laura Antoniou Live July 28 at 8 PM PST

The Rev Mel Show with guest Author Laura Antoniou

The Rev Mel Show Live BDSM TV where we have talk shows that talk about the Lifestyle, safety and education. We are the Real Fifty Shades of Grey. Come and join us in the chat room.

Author Laura Antoniou is our guest on July 28 on the Rev Mel Show BDSM TV Live.

She is the author of Marketplace and will giving out an E-book copy of Marketplace to someone in the chat room this Monday evening at 8 PM PST.

Proud member of the Middle Aged Guard Laura Antoniou is the author of the well known Marketplace series of erotic novels, but has also written dozens of short stories, essays and other works in various genres for over 25 years. Winner of the NLA Lifetime Achievement Award and the Pantheon of Leather Lifetime Achievement Award, she nevertheless intends to keep living for quite some time. A popular speaker on topic relating to alternative sexual practices – aka kinky sex – she has presented, taught and ranted at over 150 conferences and events all over the world since the 1980’s, delivering enlightenment, entertainment and indictments. She has also appeared at colleges and universities, including Harvard, NYU, Rutgers, Columbia and the University of Washington.

Over the years, her work has been translated into Spanish, German, Japanese and Hebrew; in 2010, she hit the world of e-books as the Marketplace moved to a new publisher and Laura came out as Christopher Morgan, best-selling writer of gay male erotica, including the novel Musclebound. Together with her wife, Karen Taylor, she has written a ritually correct leather Passover seder, titled Avadim Chayanu.

In 2013, Laura released two new books – a collection of Marketplace fan fiction, (No Safewords) and a comedy murder mystery (The Killer Wore Leather) that was a finalist for a Lambda Literary Award. The long-awaited 6th book in the Marketplace series, The Inheritor is scheduled for the end of 2014, when she will make her first appearance as editor of the long running Best lesbian Erotica series from Cleis Press. Keep track of her on Fetlife, Facebook & Twitter, and at

Go to: [] or click on following links
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Shows Produced by M.A.P. Productions and TSRnetwork Studio

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The Movie Fifty Shades of Grey are we ready for this?

Fifty Shades Of Grey - Official Trailer (Universal Pictures) HD

I see that there is a huge uproar in our community about the upcoming movie. When the books were release So many people come into my classes at the Lair that had read the books. I saw it taper down a bit but if this movie is a success in the vanilla world we will have more and people joining our community.

Some would think that we are not ready for this as a community as more and more people are coming into the life choice without really know what this thing we call BDSM is all about. I have taught thousands of newbies that have been brought in by the book and the movie they are going to come at records numbers.

It is up the season educators, teachers and players to educate the masses that are coming into the life style. We are not about fashion, how hard you can fling a flogger or how many slaves you own. It’s about honor and respect and integrity and how to keep a sub, slave or bottom safe. It’s about never harming the mind, body or soul and yes I will hurt you but never harm you in any way.

Community Leaders need to come together and work with each other to build a strong community of support. We will have many people coming in and yes Fetlife will in-cress in the amount of people joining but will this be good for our real time community? Only time will tell….

Hollywood is taking notice and BDSM is going to be the new hot topic to make TV series and movies much like the vampire did to TV and films.

Are we ready for this? I think we are as we have many educators, teachers and community leaders that are looking at how we can educate the new influx of people coming in. I see it on Facebook, Twitter, Fetlife and yes. I have written about it on

We as a community need to come together and support each other and reach out to newbies and talk to them about safety, protocol and how this all really work before we are inundated with movie viewers that want to beat their girlfriend or boyfriends and make sure no harm comes to them.

We are no longer hidden in a closet and are wide open for the world to see as the world will be looking at in a microscope and watching. How to deal with this simple. Embrace this as it’s going to happen and reach out to new comers and remember we were all newbies once long ago….

We survived the Story of O and the Secretary and we will survived Fifty Shades of Grey and we will more and more movies and TV series being creative that highlights our life choice. I try to look at the positive side of it we no longer have to hide in the closet and we are now of a less taboo and more expected in the vanilla world.

The humanizing of BDSM started with the fashion industry, then Goth Clubs, books and now movies. As I have coined the phrase at Dom Con a few years ago to a group of 8 vanilla people when they asked what was Dom Con about. I looked in the gentleman’s eyes and said ” There is not a street in United States that someone is not being tied to a bed, blindfolded and spanked, we are not much different that then the vanilla world”. He got it and smiled and understood as it hit a core with him.

We still have to live in the vanilla world and still have to have common sense when we are out in the vanilla world. As we sit in the movie theater and watch Fifty Shades of Grey and they get some of the things wrong we will shake in our boots but how long did it take us to get it right? This is just the beginning as our community was up in arms about the Goth Clubs when they started and it did change the way we looked at BDSM. This movie will do the same so pull up your boot strings and support your local community and make a difference.
Walk in peace everyone and find joy in this life as you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Rev Mel

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Where is the community going?


I am one that has seen a huge change in our community over the last 20 years and some of it good and some is not. After teaching over 9 or 10 thousands of people that come to my class at the Lair de Sade over 12 years has taught me so much. Life is a con stance change and more and more people are coming into our life choice every day. We are no longer hidden in the closet and we are wide open for all to see.

I welcome this and can’t say that yesterday was better than today as we have to grow as a community and as we begin to think out of the box. The only thing that I see what is happening is that we have lost a lot of compassion for others. That will happen when you so many new people coming into a life choice without really understanding what the people in the past did to lay down the path for today’s community.

We have changed as a community because our community has crossed countless boarders because of the internet and we have the ability to right out to millions of likeminded folks. Our way of life has change and I embrace this change as we can only grow from it. The past has gotten us to today and for now all we can do is educate all that are coming in and embrace them with love and understanding. Life is always in a motion of change without the change we would be sleeping in caves.

As, I have coined this phase many years ago at Dom Con as a group of vanilla people sat across our table with questions on their faces. I walked up to the table and said “I think you have lots of questions”? One of the gentleman at table said “Yes, what is going here?” I replied to him “There is not a street that someone is not being tied to a bed, blindfolded and spank as we are not different then yourself. The looked into his eyes as he smiled and it forever changed my life. We all started vanilla and we all made a choice to join this community of likeminded people. We all have made mistakes as we continue our BDSM path and the lessons that we have learned is priceless.
I, for one love the way our community has grown as I now have friends all over the world as we share with each other our love and understanding. Every community has to evolve and move in the direction that will change all of forever. We must never forget the human factor in what we do and never forget kindness and know that all of us are learning valuable lessons about who we are. Yes, we are community but also individuals with our own way of looking life itself. We create our own path and control our own life as we make choices. We can choose to make a difference and follow the pack or we can choose to create our thoughts from a place of individuality and common sense. We were all born and will all die someday but it what you do here while you are breathing matters. Go with the flow of change or hold on to the past is a personal choice. I welcome all the new people that find this life choice something that might bring a sparkly to their daily life.
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Our past was not scary it a learning curve and an education and created a path towards today. Change is not a bad thing and it can scary but it is necessary to build a stronger community. No one is ruining the scene is just evolving into something different and it will be interesting to see where this path takes us.
I just sit back and watch it as it evolves on to the next stage of growth much like a baby as it moves from baby to toddler to teenagers and to an adult. I have high hopes for our next generations that will replace us as we have so many wonderful educators that reacheding out to so some many. We are one in all of this and feel that we must be there and support our community in a positive way and never forget the past but to move on to expect change. Change is a good thing and I embrace it and I still have my memories of the past and smile at the thoughts of those memories. The past is the past, I live in today and do think about tomorrow but tomorrow will happen and I’m looking forward to see what it will bring.
Rev Mel

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True Authentic and Transparent Self

Mel_2014True Authentic and Transparent Self

 To truly know our self, we must “understand who we are, how we want to be perceived, as well as what we aspire to be~ Sindell & Sindell, 2014~

True Authentic and Transparent Self

Audio Only

How does one give permission to their true authentic and transparent self? Where do we begin? We talk about being truly authentic and transparent but how many just mouths the words?

Every day we take this journey into our own lives and learn something new as we interact with love one’s, friends and strangers at each crossing.  With being in both worlds one vanilla and the other world of BDSM how do we stay authentic and transparent to ourselves and others?

Transparency reveals the character of a person and when you show Transparency it lets others know that you are a person of integrity and you honor yourself. Being authentic and transparent is a relationship with oneself and allowing others to see your true self.  The key to ones self is, transparency, authenticity and accountability as we walk in both worlds of BDSM and Non-BDSM world. We must not also forget the part of us called our soul as walk on the path of true authentic and transparent self.

Please listen to the audio recorded on my thoughts about being authentic and transparent.

Rev Mel

Go to: [] or click on following links

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We are the Real 50 Shades of Grey….

Shows Produced by M.A.P. Productions and TSRnetwork Studio
This was recorded on my IPHONE.

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Where Has All the Compassion Gone?

pink stockingsI just read a posting on another site and there was so much anger in the post. I thought to myself where has all the compassion has gone. Have we lost human compassion for another? Is this where our BDSM community is going? We protect the predators that have a name and criticize the submissive for expressing him or herself post about it in a public form. Amazing when a negative post is put out their everyone rally s around it but when anyone post something positive it may get a comment here or there.

What will our future of BDSM look like as it does not look like it did 20 or 15 years ago. We have become a community of egos and have lost the core of who we are. Are we still in high school where bullies rule the world? I have seen thousands and thousands of people come into the lifestyle and never before have I seen so many people with bloated egos and contempt for our foundation of honesty and respect. Where are we heading as many of the older generation have stop coming to public events and the bullies are running scene.

What I have learned are not easy lessons but well worth it and would like to share what I have learned with you. Many of what I have learned is common sense and how to have compassion for another and not to let ego rule your heart and soul.

Each person has lessons to learn and it’s about taking responsibly for your actions what come and go in your life. It’s the lessons of life that you learn from and many of us keep making the same mistake over and over again because it’s a lesson that many of us have not quite really looked at yet. It takes two people to make a relationship work not just one.

Know thy self-first before you enter into a relationship, value yourself and think before you run into someone’s arm, bed or commitment. Don’t move fast and ask questions and put a side of the thoughts that this person will complete me. Complete yourself first and know who you are.

These are lessons that I’m still learning as many of us are trying to understand the big question WHY? It happens because we allow ourselves to open up our hearts and soul and let someone in.

Are we all healthy emotionally, NO, but it’s the lessons that we learn about our self’s that matter. We each take different a rode to get to the same place of self-respect some just get there sooner than others.

There is no right or wrong here and learning how to walk in other people shoes is very importance and it’s the first step in taking responsibly for our action, thought and reaction. Life is not just black and white is filled with such color and at times we lose our-self and make bad choices. By looking at the choices and seeing what part you played in is the rode to making better choices in the future.

Who here that has commented have not made a bad choice in their life and got hurt and went public and went on and on about it?

I try not to post things public of things of personal nature in a public form but I have done it with friends. Yes, many got sick of hearing me and would roll their eyes but when you’re in pain you are blind and can’t see what you’re doing. After time has passed and you have to reflect on how you played a big role in it all you realized a few things.

What you realized is that you picked that person for one reason or another and you allowed that person in your life. There was something that you needed from that person it could be the need to own a slave or the need to spank or whatever but taking responsibility is the first step.

Some of us are willing victims and some are not but each of us are on our own personal journey. When I see someone hurting I listen and respect that they are hurting but I have learned not to carry it round on my shoulders. Compassion for another is so importance and we go to play parties to play and at time we are so busy with our own addenda to really look at the person that is hurting. It’s easy to say that a person is unstable but when they are hurting they are, who has not felt this in their life time. We make wrong choices for wrong reason but we have to step back and really look at how we added to these choices and take responsibility for our actions. But that can happen only after time has healed the wounds and fragile ego.

We all have been there, as these are life lessons and without the life lesson how would we ever know about our self’s? These lessons have molded me into the person that I have become and for that I’m grateful. Without them I would have not known thy self and I would have stayed the willing victim in life. With life you just show up each day and let it take you to self-awareness where you find your true self.

Walk in peace, love and joy,
Rev Mel

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Justin Sayne Independent Leather Designer on The Rev Mel Show

The Rev Mel Show with guest Justin Sayne

The Rev Mel Show live on Monday’s at 8 PM PST on each week. Come and Join us in the chat room on

Justin Sayne is a independent Leather Designer, specializing in Fetish Leather. Justin began in May 2010, as a worker under Debbie Leather, in Arizona. Justin assisted in making corsets, cutting patterns, and designing Fetish toys. In the last 4 years, Justin has placed 3 toys in the Erotic Heritage Museum, been reviewed by Instigator Magazine, and has featured JSL product at high profile events across the country.
Hudsy Hawn AVN 2014 Interviews

Justin has always had a focus for safety, and it’s shown from the heavy duty Chicago screw bindings, to fashionable corset style armor for injured or sensitive bottoms, and all the way to breath play devices that release themselves.
Justin has a list of unique designs, seen nowhere else on earth. His “Flamethrower” and woven corset design are on display at the EHM. Each item is hand made by Justin and ultimately one of a kind.

Justin has recently started working with wild skin including, buffalo, elk, alligator, and is now offering custom products made in elephant, crocodile, giraffe, snake, shark, hippo and more.

Justin recently expanded his shop with new machines and is prepared for high output. Justin has a strong sense of community pride, and demands a high quality, safe product.

Justin is a veteran auctioneer, and will never refuse an opportunity to call a charity auction. His years of experience have been put to work raising funds for community members in trouble. Justin will never ask for a dime in return, and only asks for expenses if called out of state.

Justin resides in Mayer AZ.

Photos of Justin Leather Work..

















Where to watch the show:

Go to: [] or click on following links

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We are the Real 50 Shades of Grey….

Shows Produced by M.A.P. Productions and TSRnetwork Studio

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Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie Guest Bettie Bondage Tuesday 9 PM PST on TSRnetwork

Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie Guest Bettie Bondage Tuesday 9 PM PST on TSRnetwork

Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie Live on
Where to watch the show:

Go to: [] or click on following links

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Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie
Airs live every Tuesday 9-10pm PST on TSR Network

This week her special guest will be Bettie Bondage.

Professional/Lifestyle Domme, BDSM performer and so much more.

Tune in to find out if Bettie is naughty or nice…

Shows Produced by M.A.P. Productions and TSRnetwork Studio

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The Words Lifestyle and Community

Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together. -Eugene Ionesco~

What comes to my mind is we as humans is we need a way to communicate so we use words and put labels on thing so we can understand each other. Some people think that putting labels on things is a bad thing, I think if we did not have some sort of labels in place that we would live in a world that would be just black and white.
We all have made a choice to come in to the BDSM community with all its bad and good. It seems like forever that we are all still here talking about the word Lifestyle. I like to call it my life choice as I chosen this way of life.

Lifestyle community are words and mean so much more than just words. We are vast, with millions of like-minded people with one goal and that is BDSM or something that has to do with it. I don’t have a problem calling it a Lifestyle. As lifestyle is just a word to express myself and what type of group I play in.
What community means to me a way of being a part of something bigger than just one or two like-minded friends. Some will say that we have no community but I beg to differ. In my mind body and soul I’m part of this community of very creative and loving kinky people that love BDSM and the freedom to be who we are.
We can twist around words but really we have the freedom to believe in community or not to. I believe in community and think that everyone one of us can make a difference.
I find peace that there are millions of people just like us when it concerns our Life choice or if you call it lifestyle, there is no right or wrong here. Every single one of us can make a difference to create a better place for all of us.

These are just words but its what’s is in your heart and mind that defines us and we just use these terms to communicate.
I’m proud to say I’m part of the BDSM Lifestyle Community and I will never tell anyone that they are wrong when they say it’s not a community as everyone has the right to believe in what they believe in.

I have learned more about myself in this community than I would have thought when I first discovered BDSM. The road was not away easy but it worth it as I have seen so much over the last 20 years and I’m still here, that has to say something about what we call lifestyle community?

It is who I am and I feel my first years was about learning my craft and going to parties and having fun but then it became a place where I could be of service. I have taken the ego out of BDSM for myself and replace with calm peaceful bliss. Being of service to our community has given me a sense of peace. I don’t play much anymore but I love to go the Lair de Sade and just sit in the main room and listen to the sounds. I find so much peace in those sounds and to me that is heaven and community and I feel it in my heart and soul.

Walk in peace love and joy.
Rev Mel
Founder of

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