A mental mind fuck can be nice

“A mental mind fuck can be nice…” ~Frank N. Furter1

A few months ago I was asked to explain the “mind fuck.” This is what I said…

So mind fucks…. The examples below are NOT without negotiations.

Now this can be as simple as calling people on their shit or when appropriate using the truth against someone.

An example would be applying this concept to discipline: I might ask a sub to complete a task or cease unwanted behavior. In negotiations I will ask for them to create their consequences or ask what if questions to find what will really get to them.

Any infraction procures a reminder of these consequences, “What was it you said I could do to you if you fucked up?” And here’s the Kicker: I might make them *beg* for the privilege of my giving them this consequence. “Please Mommy, spank me, I’ve been a bad boy” (or whatever they are into)

Sometimes it’s part of the negotiations:

I already knew one of my play partners had an extreme distaste for a-symmetrical rope. During this play session’s negotiations, she approved the mind fuck. So after I had already tied down wrists and ankles to a chair, I grabbed my 10 foot rope (I use to practice knots) and tied down one thigh, saying I wanted her legs spread open more. “Oh, but look there’s not enough rope for the other thigh. I guess you’ll have to be lopsided…. 0h well, sux to be you.”

Sometimes it’s about knowing the boundaries and how to push them:

I was re-organizing my toy bag at my girl friend’s house and she picks up the huge purple dildo off the bed and says, “This one scares me!” So I make her carry it around the house for the rest of the day, “to make friends with it.” That night I made her beg me to fuck her with it.

Sometimes things just happen on the fly:

Newbie sub I brought to his 2nd or 3rd play party ever (never even been naked in public before)…. accidently dropped a cane into the pool. Looking @ me with those, “Oh shit,” puppy dog eyes, he asked me, “I guess I have to go get that? But I didn’t bring a swim suit?” Typical Thizbee answer again: “I guess it sux to be you.”
I have to say watching him undress in front of 20 strangers = Priceless!

So then he wasn’t allowed to redress after (except for you know, rope).

Anyways…. you get the idea…

I think it helps that I’m a smart ass. And that my bullshit detector is cranked up to eleven.

Other tactics in my mind fuck arsenal? I’ve perfected the whispery demon voice in your ear and I negotiate like a mother-fucker! I’ve also figured out how to balance having kind words in my mouth and meanness in my hands…. But the real trick to the mind fuck is being a good listener.

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The Surfer Theory


The Surfer Theory:

Men who surf are not only kinky but need a female led relationship.


Now I have spoken to several “surfers” who have confirmed my theory and I have seen it manifest without concern for age, ethnic background, or economic level.  I have also seen it take on different flavors from a vanilla boy unhappy with past relationships because the women all wanted him to be the strong one; to very kinky little boys who need a Mommy to love and discipline them.


Things surfers seem to have these things in common on some level:

The ocean is one of their favorite places to be

Being out on the water makes them feel alive

Even after having a painful/disastrous wipe-out, they can’t wait to go back

Being in the water, feeling the power of the waves, is an obsession

The ocean is capricious and unpredictable

Mother Nature is all powerful and controlling

Submitting to the waves is the way to overcome


And I have discovered a great deal of similarities in my many conversations with about 10-15 surfers I have met online (and in person) that connect to their needs in relationships:

Seeking “Mother Nature” type relationship

Want someone else to make the decisions

Need for female led relationship

Need for discipline

Need for love and affection

Need for the other person to have some level of control in their lives


Inference is the act or process of deriving logical conclusions from premises known or assumed to be true.


From these similarities in how they view the ocean, and how they view relationships I have made the following observation.  Surfers are kinky on some level and the majority I have met have a desire to have a specific type of D/s relationship:  Mommy/boy.

I understand and concede that this type of dynamic may be the extreme, but it is also the most commonly seen.


There seems to be some kind of correlation between how they view the ocean, surfing, Mother Nature; and the type of relationship they seek:  One that includes a dominant female, discipline (including pain and control) and soothing, affectionate aftercare.  In many cases there is also a sense of “worship” and a feeling that “Only Mommy really understands what I need most.”

There also seems to be a connection between the “taboo” quality of this type of D/s dynamic and the “anti-establishment” attitudes found in the surfer culture.

Finally, I am curious to connect with and “survey” by conversation, any surfers who feel they may connect to this theory on any level.  Feel free to contact me with “Surfer Theory” in your subject line, or first sentence.

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Generations from now

thizbeeBack CameraGenerations from now,

How will the hipsters,

Who haven’t been born yet;

See us?


What will they think of their past?

What will they think is cool?

How important will these things be?


Fashion, Art, Music,

Love, Lust, Morality?


Money, Infamy, Celebrity,

Motivation, Influence, Notoriety?


Drama economics, Wrong wing Bullies,

Dog eat Dog, God eat God,

Two class society (sounds like slavery)

Power hungry political progeny


And this makes me think about the victims of Social tormentors


The rich kid, bully,

Perfect at everything,

Ex-jock, ex-prom-queen,

Ex-movie star, political superstar.


Climbing the corporate ladder to success on the backs of your victims:

Just like when we were in 2nd grade

And you pushed me down

And all our friends laughed.


You already have everything.

I’m nothing

I got nothing

Why do you keep hurting me?


So you established your dominance

And have been vying for

Your way to the top

Ever since.


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This last year has been a busy one for me.

This last year has been a busy one for me…. Finding new people in my life, maintaining ongoing relationships, learning more and more strategies on how to successfully navigate my kinky and vanilla lives with brain damage. (I will be writing more about that in the future, consider it a teaser.) I have been to some play parties in both LA and San Diego. I taught an orientation class for groups in the San Diego Community. I took a trip to visit on old flame from 10 years back when I was living in a quad with 5 kids (3 of them mine). He is the only person I still talk to after all the drama of a large poly family coming to a close. And now what I am looking for to is:

It’s coming!!!!!!
So out there in other alternative communities, events are “buzzed about” and “previewed” and
“reviewed” (think ComicCon and E3 for the nerds in the room)… In that vein, here are my class recommendations. One of these is self promoting. Some are friends who have good stuff to talk about and some are just classes I’m looking forward to and am excited about.

These are the classes I am attending this year (and mine of course)


Here are some amazing people in my life who have reached that place in their journey where giving back to the community is part of who they are. Daddy Vinnie and Lolita are friends of mine from the kinky community in San Diego. I met them several years ago and have seen them grow as newish folks to the community on through starting their own munch that has met every month for over a year. I encouraged them to go beyond San Diego and share their style of kink at DomCon and here there are.
Sarge Servatis is another San Diego friend whom I am pleasantly surprised to see at DomCon this year. She is an amazing person. If you are attending Dom Con this year, please drop by their classes.
Vinzent, one of my BF’s and all around terrific human being, is teaching a Rope Class, go check it out.
I will be teaching a continuation class with Satyr this year on Poly and Kink. In the last two years my class was sorta of a Poly 101… and this would be more like 102. We are gonna tackle the hurdles in maintaining healthy poly relationships.
Also, currently not listed yet, but should be coming back again this year is Lady Anastasia’s class on Poly and the brain. If you are nerdy or poly or both, it’s a must. Science!
And on to the classes I am excited about attending!
These are subjects where I can always pick up new tricks, or hone my skills. I love to learn to new things!
I have sat in Simon Blaise’s class on Owning Your Kink, I highly recommend it.
I am also looking forward to The Middling class (yet another way to incorporate poly and kink) and the “Shit my Domme Says” because I think there is great power in how Doms/Dommes communicate with their submissives. This may make for future articles… as will all of DomCon.
So in a few weeks I will be letting know you how I survived and what I learned and all the fun things I came across. Until then, PLEASE feel free to send me a comment, suggestion, or questions

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My First Poly Experience.

ribbenthizbeeMy first “poly” experience happened when I was seven. I was sitting with a group of friends and the question was asked, “Who is your best friend?” After naming a few people, I was told I could only have ONE best friend. I thought that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard, ” Why only one?! Who made up this rule?!” As I have been heard to say, I didn’t suddenly become poly one day, I came out the box this way. I have tried monogamy, was even married; but toward the end of that marriage we each had other lovers and we all knew about each other. I just don’t understand the purpose of monogamy in my world. Not saying no one should be monogamous, I have met many people who are quite successful at it. It’s just not for me. Since 2000 I have actively sought polyamorous relationships, and currently have a network of about 10 people (including lovers of lovers whom I am not involved with, but am supported by, and vice-versa). I am pretty sure a complex org chart might be useful in following it all, LOL! For me there has been a natural progression from Polyamory as a lifestyle choice/orientation to being involved in education and support; as I wish to advocate for other Polyamorous people. I would like my children to grow up in a world where being Poly is just as acceptable as any other group/orientation. When I look at the history of the GBLT community I can identify with those struggles. My girlfriend calls it the “Alphabet Soup.” But I think we need to add more letters:


Alternative Spirituality
And so on….
Or any other disenfranchised group whose rights are not being supported and applauded by our society. But because Polyamory is how I identify, it is the flag I have chosen to carry: as far as I can carry it, for as long as my arms can hold it. Until we look around at our world and see all people being treated with respect and appreciation for their uniqueness-es. My uniqueness. Being Polyamorous.

Polyamory FAQ:

What is Polyamory? Polyamory is lifestyle/orientation in which an individual is capable of loving more than one person at a time and in which all people involved are knowledgeable/ in agreement of such an arrangement. Honesty is a key feature of Polyamory and thus elevates it above cheating and infidelity.

What is Serial Monogamy? Monogamy is a relationship dynamic in which only two people are committed to each other. Serial Monogamy is a series of these relationships, with distinct beginning and end, one after another.

What is a Primary Relationship? One’s main relationship (may be a couple or group).

What is a Secondary Relationship? Relationships not included in main (or primary) relationship. These often take up less time, with less commitment and/or fewer responsibilities than the main relationship(s).

What is an Open-vs-Closed (Poly-Fidelity) Relationship?

Open: Primary couple/group allow members to see others (Secondaries) “on the outside” (this may or may not include guidelines and/or veto power)

Closed: No relationships outside Primary group. Also called Poly-Fidelity
What is Veto Power (Guidelines)?

A partner gets to say, “NO WAY!” if they feel there is something they can’t live with, or makes them uncomfortable.
Other examples might be:
o “Come Home”

o “Use Condoms”

o “I must meet the other person first”

o “No Drugs”

o “No Drama”

What is Bi (Bisexual)? Having sexual desire/attraction for or interest in a romantic relationship with both genders.

What is Bi-Curious? Having an interest in the possibility of being with both genders .

What is Bi-Sensual? Having non-sexual affections for both genders.

What is Pansexual? Pansexuality does not view relationships as having gender choices. Therefore people who identify as transgender, gender-less, intersexed, etc would be included in the pansexual model.

What is an SO? Significant Other (this could be wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, or Primary type of relationship).

What is an OSO? Other Significant Other (this is often of the same hierarchy level of the an SO, for example other members of a quad or triad).

What is an LTR? Long Term Relationship.

What is an LDR? Long Distance Relationship.

What is a Vee Relationship? A relationship dynamic where one person is in a relationship with two others, where those two others are not in a relationship with each other or are not as similarly related to each other (e.g they may be friends, but not lovers).

What is a Triad Relationship? A “couple” of three people with balanced emotional/sexual feelings between them all.

What is a Quad Relationship? A “couple” of four people with balanced emotional/sexual feelings between them all.

What is a MMM Relationship? A triad with three males.

What is a FFF Relationship? A triad with three females.

What is a MFM Relationship? A triad with two males and a female.

What is a FMF Relationship? A triad with two females and a male.

What is a Sister Wife? In a FMF relationship, how the two women may refer to each other. A way to describe such a relationship.

What is a Sister Wife or Metamour? Similar to a Sister Wife, but can be of any gender or number. The other person your love is also dating.

What is a Group (Tribe, Family, Network) Relationship? A relationship dynamic in which any or all of the other relationship dynamics may be present within the group, where there some sort of emotional and/or sexual connection between members. Some of the members may be friends, but share significant others.

Examples of Rules/Guidelines in a Polyamorous relationships (such as what constitutes Veto Power) For example:

“My boyfriend’s other girlfriend’s husband’s date.”
“Don’t ask, don’t tell”
“Don’t tell me the dirt, but I want to know where you are.”
“See whom you want, but I just don’t want to know anything.”
“See whom you want, but don’t rub my nose in it.”
What is Compersion? The opposite of jealousy; the feeling of joy for an SO/OSO having love for others and sharing that joy with them.

What are the different types of poly styles of relationships? “There are as many ways to do Poly as there are people doing it”

types of poly

“Typical” Models

Married couple seeking a Third: a FMF. This is the most common Poly dynamic. The wife is often Bi or Bi-curious and the third is female and is often Bi. This relationship is often Closed
Primary/Secondary: Primary Couple with Secondary OSO’s. The couple could be married or LTR. There are often Guidelines for seeing others and may include Veto Power for each other. Or they could be seeing others as individuals
Triad (Triads can also form independently )
Vee (Vees can also form independently)
Traditional Vee
Primary Couple dating others together
“A-typical” Models

Quads (and more): A group of four (or more) where the main focus of the relationship is on the four. Typically two emotionally/sexually “intermingled couples”
Tribe/Family: This can include a variety of relationship models with varying degrees of connectivity
LDR: Distance creates unique challenges for this relationship and any other relationships connected to this couple/group. Time is of the essence
Models so individualized, there is no real label to describe them
Here are ways in which Polyamory can be empowering:

Relieves the pressure of having to be someone’s “everything”
Ensures that all needs are met
Encourages self-examination and discussion to discover what is most fulfilling for people, beyond the assumptions and possible limitations of “normal” relationships
By being honest with others and with oneself, a person who may have had to “choose” between two or more friends, possible lovers, or some other interpersonal relationships, would be able to pursue those relationships and thus gain freedom to be who they truly are
Gives one space to be honest with not only themselves, but with all the people they love
Gives a sense of joy, peace, happiness, good feelings to share love on a level most non-poly people are able to understand
Allows one to experience the unique emotion of Compersion
Don’t have to compromise on getting needs met
Love becomes limitless when the boundaries of monogamy are lifted
Taking on new views of non-traditional relationships to move past societal/governmental/religious/parental/etc controls and restrictions of one’s personal choices in their lives and the lives of those they love
Relief from trying to hide other relationships; Encourages honesty
Accepting human nature as having the capability and even desire to love many, thereby accepting of one’s self
As one accepts themselves and accepts others, by embracing Polyamory and its ideals; other prejudices and conflicts become lessened and control over them becomes attainable
As societal mores slowly shift toward global acceptance, “Creating a Global Village“; the ideals and concepts found in Poly will begin to answer the needs people will recognize as they compare their personal relationships with those on a global scale.
Send your questions and comments to: Thizbee.Sez@gmail.com

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