The Atlantic BDSM Versus the DSM


This is from a post on Fetlife by Susan Wright Have permission to re-post this.

BDSM Versus the DSM

The Atlantic recounts how NCSF, Race Bannon, Guy Baldwin, Charles Moser and Peggy Kleinplatz fought to make the APA acknowledge that BDSM is a healthy form of sexual expression!…

The Atlantic
by Merissa Nathan Gerson

Asking your partner to tie you to the bedpost, telling them to slap you hard in the throes of lovemaking, dressing like a woman if you are a man, admitting a fetish for feet: Just a few years ago, any of these acts could be used against you in family court.

This was the case until 2010, when the American Psychiatric Association announced that it would be changing the diagnostic codes for BDSM, fetishism, and transvestic fetishism (a variant of cross-dressing) in the next edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published in 2013. The new definitions marked a distinction between behavior—for example, playing rough—and actual pathology. Consenting adults were no longer deemed mentally ill for choosing sexual behavior outside the mainstream.

The change was the result of a massive effort from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), an advocacy group founded in 1997 “to advance the rights of and advocate for consenting adults in the BDSM-Leather-Fetish, Swing, and Polyamory Communities.” At the time, these types of sexual behavior, by virtue of their inclusion in the DSM, were considered markers of mental illness—and, as a result, were heavily stigmatized, often with legal repercussions. In family court, an interest in BDSM was used as justification to remove people’s children from their custody.

“A sexual sadist practices on non-consenting people,” explains NCSF founder Susan Wright, while “someone who is kinky is having consensual enthusiastically desired sex.” The problem with the earlier DSM: It didn’t draw a distinction between the two. A 1998 survey from the NCSF found that “36 percent of S&M practitioners have been victims of harassment, and 30 percent have been victims of discrimination.” As a result, the organization’s website says, “24 percent [have lost] a job or a contract, 17 percent [have lost] a promotion, and 3 percent [have lost] custody of a child.”

“We were seeing the DSM used as a weapon,” says Race Bannon, an NCSF Board Member and the creator of Kink-Aware Professionals, a roster of safe and non-judgmental healthcare professionals for the BDSM and kink community. (The list is now maintained by the NCSF.) “Fifty Shades [of Grey] had not come along,” says Bannon, an early activist in the campaign to change the DSM. “[Kink] was still this dark and secret thing people did.”

Since its first edition was published in 1952, the DSM has often posed a problem for anyone whose sexual preferences fell outside the mainstream. Homosexuality, for example, was considered a mental illness—a “sociopathic personality disturbance”—until the APA changed the language in 1973. More broadly, the DSM section on paraphilias (a blanket term for any kind of unusual sexual interest), then termed “sexual deviations,” attempted to codify all sexual preferences considered harmful to the self or others—a line that, as one can imagine, is tricky in the BDSM community.

The effort to de-classify kink as a psychiatric disorder began in 1980s Los Angeles with Bannon and his then-partner, Guy Baldwin, a therapist who worked mostly with the gay and alternative sexualities communities. Bannon, a self-described “community organizer, activist, writer, and advocate” moved to Los Angeles in 1980 and soon became close with Baldwin through their mutual involvement as open participants in and advocates for the kink community. “I’m fairly confident that I was the first licensed mental-health practitioner anywhere who was out about being a practicing sadomasochist,” Baldwin says.

The pair was spurred to action after the 1987 edition of the DSM-III-R, which introduced the concept of paraphilias, changed the classifications for BDSM and kink from “sexual deviation” to actual disorders defined by two diagnostic criteria. To be considered a mental illness, the first qualification was: ‘‘Over a period of at least six months, recurrent, intense sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies involving the act (real, not simulated) of being humiliated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to suffer.’’ The second: ‘‘The person has acted on these urges, or is markedly distressed by them.’’

“1987 was a bad shift,” Wright recalls. “Anyone who was [voluntarily] humiliated, beaten, bound, or any other alternate sexual expression was considered mentally ill.”

With the new language, Baldwin says, he quickly realized that laws regarding alternative sexual behavior would continue to be problematic “as long as the psychiatric community defines these behaviors as pathological.”

“I knew there were therapists around the world diagnosing practicing consensual sadomasochists with mental illness,” he says.

At the time that the new DSM was published, Baldwin and Bannon were planning to attend the 1987 march on Washington, D.C., in support of gay rights; after the new criteria came out, they decided to host a panel discussion for mental-health professionals in the State Department auditorium, where they announced the launch of what would come to be known as “The DSM Revision Project.”

“We asked how many people in the room were mental-health professionals,” Baldwin says, and “two-thirds of the people in the room raised their hands. And we said, ‘The way this needs to happen is, licensed medical practitioners need to write the DSM committee that reviews the language of the DSM concerned with paraphilias.’”

Around 40 or 50 people left the session with the information needed to write the letters. “We did not know exactly what would result,” Bannon recalls. “We did not think we would see dramatic changes suddenly.”

They didn’t—but the changes they did see were positive. The next edition of the DSM, published in 1994, added that to be considered part of a mental illness, “fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors” must “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.”

“This was a definite improvement from the DSM-III-R,” says Wright, who later took over leadership of the DSM Revision Project from Bannon and Baldwin.

“These criteria gave [health professionals] wiggle room to say, ‘They have issues, but it is not about their kink. For the vast majority, it is just the way they have sex,’” Bannon explains. “Rather than saying, ‘Because you are into this method of sexuality, you are sick,’ [they could say], ‘Pathologically, if this impacts your life negatively, then you have a problem.’”

But the new language in the 1994 DSM also allowed for wiggle room of a different kind: The threshold of “significant distress” was often loosely interpreted, with the social stigma of kink, rather than kink itself, causing the negative impact on people’s lives. Workplace discrimination and violence were on the rise, according to a 2008 NCSF survey, and people were still being declared unfit parents as a result of their sexual preferences: Eighty of the 100 people who turned to the NCSF for legal assistance in custody battles from 1997-2010 lost their cases.

A few years after the 1994 DSM was published, Wright decided it was time to fight for another revision. When she founded the organization in 1997, the NCSF’s goal was a change to the APA’s diagnostic codes that separated the behavior (e.g., “he likes to restrict his breathing during sex”) from the diagnosis (e.g., “his desire to restrict his breath means that he must be mentally ill”). The next DSM, the group argued, should split the paraphilias from the paraphilic disorders, so that simply enjoying consensual BDSM would not be considered indicative of an illness.

Their efforts were largely ignored by the APA until early 2009, when Wright attended a panel discussion at New York City’s Philosophy Center on why people practice BDSM. Among the panelists was psychiatrist Richard Krueger, whose expertise included the diagnosis and treatment of paraphilias and sexual disorders.

During the meeting, Wright says, “I brought up the point that the DSM manual caused harm to BDSM people because it perpetuated the stigma that we were mentally ill. [Krueger] heard me and said that was not what they intended with the DSM.” Krueger, it turned out, was on the APA’s paraphilias committee, and following the meeting opened up an email dialogue between Wright and the other committee members, in which Wright provided documentation about the violence and discrimination kinky people experienced. “I credited that to the DSM,” she says. “Courts used it. Therapists used it. And it was being misinterpreted.”

Over the next year, “I sent him information, he gave it to the group, they asked questions, and I responded. It was very productive,” Wright recalls. “We [the NCSF] felt we were heard, we were listened to—and they took [our arguments] into account when they changed the wording” of the DSM in 2010.

Another major factor in the NCSF’s favor was a paper, co-written by sexual-medicine physician Charles Moser and sexologist Peggy J. Kleinplatz and published in 2006 in the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, titled “DSM IV-TR and the Paraphilias: An Argument for Removal.” According to Wright, the paper, which “summed up opinions of mental-health professionals who thought you shouldn’t include sexual activity in the DSM,” played a significant role in the paraphilia committee’s eventual shift in language.

In February 2010 the proposed change was made public—clarifying, Wright says, that “the mental illness [depends on] how it is expressed, not the behavior itself.” The new guidelines drew a clear difference, in other words, between people expressing a healthy range of human sexuality (for example, a couple that likes to experiment, consensually, with whips, chains, and dungeons) and sadists who wish others genuine harm (for example, tying and whipping someone in a basement without their consent).

The DSM-5 was released in May 2013, its contents marking a victory for the NCSF, Bannon, and Baldwin. The final language states: “A paraphilia is a necessary but not a sufficient condition for having a paraphilic disorder, and a paraphilia by itself does not necessarily justify or require clinical intervention.”

“Now we are seeing a sharp drop in people having their children removed from their custody,” Wright explains. Since the change, according to the NCSF, less than 10 percent of people who sought the organization’s help in custody cases have had their children removed, and the number of discrimination cases has dropped from more than 600 in 2002 to 500 in 2010 to around 200 over the last year.

“The APA basically came out and said, ‘These people are mentally healthy,’” Wright says. “‘It’s had a direct impact on society.”

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A mental mind fuck can be nice

“A mental mind fuck can be nice…” ~Frank N. Furter1

A few months ago I was asked to explain the “mind fuck.” This is what I said…

So mind fucks…. The examples below are NOT without negotiations.

Now this can be as simple as calling people on their shit or when appropriate using the truth against someone.

An example would be applying this concept to discipline: I might ask a sub to complete a task or cease unwanted behavior. In negotiations I will ask for them to create their consequences or ask what if questions to find what will really get to them.

Any infraction procures a reminder of these consequences, “What was it you said I could do to you if you fucked up?” And here’s the Kicker: I might make them *beg* for the privilege of my giving them this consequence. “Please Mommy, spank me, I’ve been a bad boy” (or whatever they are into)

Sometimes it’s part of the negotiations:

I already knew one of my play partners had an extreme distaste for a-symmetrical rope. During this play session’s negotiations, she approved the mind fuck. So after I had already tied down wrists and ankles to a chair, I grabbed my 10 foot rope (I use to practice knots) and tied down one thigh, saying I wanted her legs spread open more. “Oh, but look there’s not enough rope for the other thigh. I guess you’ll have to be lopsided…. 0h well, sux to be you.”

Sometimes it’s about knowing the boundaries and how to push them:

I was re-organizing my toy bag at my girl friend’s house and she picks up the huge purple dildo off the bed and says, “This one scares me!” So I make her carry it around the house for the rest of the day, “to make friends with it.” That night I made her beg me to fuck her with it.

Sometimes things just happen on the fly:

Newbie sub I brought to his 2nd or 3rd play party ever (never even been naked in public before)…. accidently dropped a cane into the pool. Looking @ me with those, “Oh shit,” puppy dog eyes, he asked me, “I guess I have to go get that? But I didn’t bring a swim suit?” Typical Thizbee answer again: “I guess it sux to be you.”
I have to say watching him undress in front of 20 strangers = Priceless!

So then he wasn’t allowed to redress after (except for you know, rope).

Anyways…. you get the idea…

I think it helps that I’m a smart ass. And that my bullshit detector is cranked up to eleven.

Other tactics in my mind fuck arsenal? I’ve perfected the whispery demon voice in your ear and I negotiate like a mother-fucker! I’ve also figured out how to balance having kind words in my mouth and meanness in my hands…. But the real trick to the mind fuck is being a good listener.

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Service To The Community

PrintWe recently recorded a round table for The People of Kink in which we talked about service to our community and what it meant to us all. It has really gotten me thinking about this and coming to the conclusion that it is very important to me. There was a time in this lifestyle that I didn’t do anything extra or help anyone. I figured there wasn’t any need as there were people already doing the work. All I wanted to do was to attend the events and have a good time. There is nothing wrong with what I was doing but that changed when I started to form opinions about the things that were going on. I quickly realized that I had no right to complain or criticize these people or their events. If you look up the meaning of criticize: to express disapproval of (someone or something) : to talk about the problems or faults of (someone or something) : to look at and make judgments about (something, such as a piece of writing or a work of art) it really doesn’t have much of a positive meaning to it. How could I judge these people without at least helping or seeing what it was like to walk in their shoes?

It didn’t take me long to understand that I had been pretty selfish and that needed to change. I began volunteering to help set up at events to see what it was like. Setting up a play party is a lot of work and within minutes of being in the thick of it I realized that these people were working their butts off for nothing more than the fact that they wanted to help. I had walked into this party many times and had a great time and never thought about the hard work that it took to even get the venue ready. There is equipment to move around and existing things at the venue to move. Lighting had to go up and garbage pails put out. Signage had to go up. The list went on and on. Being in the middle of this began to shift my thinking on events and the people that put them on.

I am not writing this to prop myself up. I am writing this to say that I love my community and above all else I love serving my community. Every year about this time I take a look at my life and what I am doing. I think it’s a very healthy thing to do. I take stock of what’s important and what I would like to focus on. Right now and for the foreseeable future it’s service to my community that drives my life. I don’t do the things that I do for glory or to be called a “Pillar of my community” In fact I don’t think we need “Pillars” or “Community Leaders”. What we need is to care about our community and the other people that are in. We can all effect change and help out if we choose to. It is a choice for everyone. I’m not even saying someone is a bad person for not doing service in their community. Everyone is entitled to do as they please. I would just encourage them look around and know that their help is needed and appreciated.

I looked around the room yesterday while we were doing the round table and I realized that these people were my choosen family. They all did service for the community in one way or another. In fact they all went above and beyond what was ever expected of them. Whenever I ask them for help it’s always a “Yes”. They show up and work their butts off and never ask for anything in return. This family has become my staff for TPOK parties. The parties are as good as they are because they truly care. They show up and work for every party and do what needs to get done. Our community is better because of them and I am proud to call them my staff, my friends and my chosen family.

So as I ask myself “Are you doing enough?”. I ask you all the same question. What can you do to help? Is there a party out there that needs DM’s? Is someone having a house party and needs help setting up? Can you greet people at a munch? There are so many things that you can do. If there is a need, can you fill it? Can you be unselfish and giving and know that You are doing something good and needed.

On the other hand can you appreciate the people that are doing the work? Can you walk in their shoes for a day, a week, a month? I encourage you to try. Ask questions, be helpful. Instead of causing drama or whispering things in other people’s ears try and remember that these people are doing the best. If you think it’s broke…offer to help. If you want to see it become better then help to make it better. I encourage you to get off the sidelines and into the game. Find the joy that can be had from helping your community and making it better for the next person. Don’t do it for the glory because the glory does not exist. Do it because its the right thing to do.

We always have a choice in our lives. Long ago a chose to go down the path of service. You don’t have to do as much as the person beside you or even more than them. Just choose to do something. At the very least open your mind to possibility of service in the future. Most of all when you see someone helping your community remember to say Thank You. Remember to have compassion when it goes wrong. Be willing to be the solution instead of the road block.

This is YOUR community. Help or hinder. It’s completely up to You.

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Happy New Year’s from

happy new year 2015I wish to say thank you to Miss Cassie and Genesis for being amazing hosts on their shows on

Thank you to all the chat viewers that come in the chat and join the conversation on the live shows. You make our job easier as Host as we get to ask the questions of our guests that you wish to hear.

To all the Guests of each show Thank You for taking the time to come to the studio or to web cam with us each week. You all have been amazing guest though-out 2014.

All the people that could not tune into the Live shows because of your busy life’s but went into the archives and watch the recorded shows. Thank you for taking the time to go onto and watch the shows that you missed.Because of you, you has increased our viewing numbers over 800,000 views when added together all the different places that we broadcast on.

Viewing the analytic s of the shows from February 2014 to now we have had over 300 thousand people tune into and watch the live and recorded shows on Youtube and On Google the numbers are 580,233 views from the two profiles that we broadcast the shows on.

My hats goes out to Miss Cassie for her show Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie Special Guest: Sybian Master that has had over 21,000 views. The show streamed live on Aug 19, 2014 and has had so many views in such a short time.

2015 we hope to move past over a million or more people viewing the live shows or the recorded shows. We hope to add more shows to the network and touch more people both BDSM member’s and the vanilla world. Here is a letter from a viewer.

Dear Rev Mel,

I was told by a friend about your show and have always wanted to be spanked. My husband could not understand why I need this and would make fun of me. After finding your show and TSRnetwork I got my husband to watch the shows on Youtube. It has changed my life and his. He is a natural Dom and I’m now collared by my husband.

We could never come out to our friends and family about what we do but it is wonderful having a place where we can go and learn about BDSM and not feel like such a freak. I, now feel normal and found a safe place where I can share with husband all of my desires.

Thank you,

Kathy ——-

I get these letters all the time and this is what make doing all of this so amazing as we at TSRnetwork reach out into the vanilla world and change them one day at a time.

We have lost so many friends of TSRnetwork and when we launched the show back in February we dearly missed our friend Robert who passed away while the shows are down the year before. Robert you are missed and each show I think of you and wish you were here to share this with us.

This year we lost River Butch not only a fan of TSRnetwork but a friend as she supported us during hard times and laugh with us at some of those special mommets on the life show. I will miss her loving emails and phone calls, you were always a hero to me. River Butch and Robert you both are in our hearts and thoughts and will never be forgotten we love you.

In 2015 we will continue to broadcast free live BDSM TV and make this a place where education and safety comes first and change the world on how they view our BDSM Live Choice and community.

Like I say “There is not a street in United States that someone is not being tied to a bed, blindfolded and spank we are not that much different then our vanilla friends and family.

To our community I salute you and have a wonderful New Year’s and may 2015 be an amazing year for all.

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Reflections 2014 An Open Letter…..

happy new year 2015How can one express in an open letter about the lessons that one have learned from this past year? To be honest with oneself and to freely open up your private thoughts with friends and strangers. Taking that end of the year look at how your life seem to go within your eyes. But how did others see you? We have this vision in our mind of what we think we did and if we made a difference.

It’s only one point of view and that point of view is clouded within our minds and is it all real? We ask ourselves at the end of a year where did this year go as we look forward to the next year. So reflecting on my life of this past year is something that I have mixed emotions about.

One thing that resonates within my mind is, “ what is this life we choose?” There is a lot of chatter that runs wild within my thoughts as I look to why I do things and what is importance to my life. My life what is it really? The lessons of this year has humbled me to a place of peace for the first time in my life. The need to fit in or be liked is no longer in my frame of thoughts. My voice is strong and I don’t sensor the tone of my voice or my speech.

I have seen so many changes in the BDSM life choice within this year. I have lost dear, dear friends and have met some amazing new friends as the days mingle in this dream like movie of change and lost. To set free old ways and to let go of what my thoughts of friendship was like pulling a child away from their mothers milk. A calmness has surrounded me with a sense of nothingness. Truly to be lost in only creativity without a end has been what my year has been like.

Looking at the bright eyes of all the new people coming into this life choice I remember when I was new with excitement as I embraced this life choice. Often, I talk about that new fresh faces will be the leaders of tomorrow and some day I will be the thing of the past. I embrace this with hope and love and let go as I know these young new people are our future and I give them willing my support and love.

As you grow older you look at life in a different way and the blinders are off and see really what is before you as you let go of false illusions of what is and what will be. I have come to realize that BDSM is only a small part of who I am. My mind is filled with memories and compassion of others and for myself. To see yourself in a different perspective and to really look at self is not an easy process. To rip off the core of who you thought you were and really look into the mirror and look at your eyes looking back. You see the aging that lined your face and the aches that you feel when you first stand up. You embrace it and hold on to it with understanding for the first time in your life. I am who I am and that is just they way it is. Nothing more and nothing less it’s not how we see our self but if we made a difference in the world and the people that we have touched.

This year I lay naked for all to see but most of all for myself to see as I have come to the revelation that the only thing that matters is self love at any age and to find peace within one’s self. As I age the youth in my body is no longer my driving force but my mind is bright and my thoughts are strong. As I look at this past year. I no longer have the need to move mountains and prove who I am as that is a forever losing battle that many taken. I too have taken that road but this year has been a clarity of the need to no longer worry about things that are out of my control. I no longer carry anyone else thoughts or judgment on my shoulders. None of this matters anymore but what I have found to replace negative actions and thoughts is to stay on the positive side of life. No more time for petty game or head trips that want to mingle with my mind and soul. Vision of what is really going on matters more to me as this year was like a being liberated of past needs and wants.

The need to prove one’s self no longer is a part of my being or to be out every weekend just to be seen. I have taken time to heal my spirit and soul but most of my mind. Seeing people for who they are has been quite an enlightenment experience this year as the blinder are off. I find that being alone with creativity is more comfort then to be out and about. The need to be the center of the universe or the life of the party is like a prison to me as I sit quietly back and watch others take up that role. I now understand this and know that it will happen one day with me as I grow older. We all make our mark and change this life choice for the next generation that is coming up in the ranks. This is how life is as you get to place you don’t have anything to prove and you’re at peace with it. It is what it is and that is really what life is all about.

For the younger generation I say to you, Play more, have more fun and really take a look at why you here both in the BDSM world and the vanilla world as both are importance. Don’t forget kindness and compassion and remember that everyone of us walked in your foot steps. Find that place inside your mind and soul where you can truly be that person that make a difference. It does not matter how well you throw a flogger or how many slaves you have. What matters is how you treat others and that your word is your bond. Be real as you are dealing with real people with hearts and souls not just someone to do your bidding. Kindness and compassion should be one the number one action within yourself. Don’t feed the ego, feed the heart and soul as you think about next year and where you wish to be and what you wish to create. Make a difference in our BDSM World walk with honor and integrity and don’t just mouth the words but follow it up with actions. Give back and don’t worry if others will give back to you because in this big picture of life none of this matters. What matters is finding peace within your soul. Peace will set you free.

For me I look forward to 2015 and embrace it with a new perspective on where I need to go. I learned how to honest with myself and others and that I can not make anyone into something that they are not. I learned friendship and help friends are rewarding but you must first make sure that you healthy within your own mind. Like on the airplane where they tell parents you must first put on your life raft. It’s the same thing with friends.

When I first moved into apartment I was not healthy from a past experience and took care of a friend that I loved and adored. I was in no shape to take care of someone else and I should have been taking care of myself and heal from a past hurt. I was hurting inside from years of feeling lost and depressed.

The more I helped her the sadder I got as I really was not taking care of my needs. She came first so many times as she was hurting and I nursed her back to the real world and forgot about nursing myself. For six months it was about her pain and how she felt and she did not see the pain that I was in during that time. I did not use my voice with her and I should have. Looking back I know that I could not give her what she need as I had nothing left in me to give as far as our friendship. I was filled up with such sadness that nothing or no one could get through the walls of sadness and pain. The more she gave me as a friend the more I shut down and sadness would over take me. I just need to be alone and take my time to work this all out. For over 3 years I was never alone and I need that private space in order to heal my broken soul.

Her and I have parted ways from a misunderstanding but really I had nothing to give her because I was a shell of my past self. I did try to explain it to her but she was so badly hurt she could not see or hear me. Wish her a wonderful life and hope it filled with love and respect and she is missed.

I learned that I must take care of my self first and to really use my voice in order to get me that healthy place.. When asked these days to mentor or protect someone I have to pass on it because though the last few years I have lost so much and I must become healthy once again. I stay alone a lot these days because I am healing and I’m trying to bring myself to a different place in my life. A place where kindness matters and I can only give to myself that kindness that I use to give others as I have nothing more to give. I have now spent some alone time and have done a lot of healing one’s soul and I’m strong and more clear on this present moment in time. I filled with love to one’s self and for others as now I have more to give back,.but more of giving back is on the side lines and not all of me any more. I think I have taken 2014 and cleaned away some of the walls that I had built up.

What will 2015 bring who knows as I’m open to anything at this moment in time. In fact I welcome it and welcome new and old friends into my life. I now have a huge part of me that now give back once again, I am now whole again. I walk with truth and self worth with a strong but loving voice. So if you see me out and about in 2015 just know that I’m happy and safe and working on myself.

I don’t make New Years resolutions as I never were able to keep it so the only resolutions I make is to be open to what live brings and work on staying positive and healthy in spirit and my mind. To embrace my faults and weakness and not to worry as much. I believe in a higher power has brought me so much peace and it is my road that I must travel and respect that others need to find their own way to peace.

My advice is find the right path that rings true to you and believe that you can move mountains and change this world on a positive note. Take time for your family, vanilla life and your BDSM life and find the balance that resonates with your soul and mind. Do not allow drama into your being and most of all be kind to others and really listen to someone in need. Give back behind the scenes and do this because of the need to make this life choice a better place. If you see someone in pain reach out and show that you care. Don’t talk about people behind their back in a negative way.

Many people are smiling at a play party and go home and shut there door and fight with their depressions or fears. Reach out more and show kindness to others. From someone that knows that dark space know that someone will not reach out if they are in that very dark place and we miss our chance to help them out. In 2014 I have seen so many people in pain and posting and we need to reach out to people in pain and let them know they are loved. We have to be like hidden quiet angels and touch others with kindness.

I have learned a lot in 2014 and I’m at peace with all that I learned and my wish is that may 2015 be an amazing year for all and walk in peace, love and joy,

Rev Mel


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Inside the Mind of a Predator


Inside the Mind of a Predator

To write this, I had to think of all the bad things a potential predator could do or say, based on my experiences with friends and loved ones who have encountered such types. Just writing this took me to a very dark place, even having to imagine someone being this way, but I believe it’s necessary for many people to read. I’m sure there are more examples, more stories, and more possibilities for predation, but frankly, I had my fill after writing this. This does not reflect my thoughts or viewpoints, but seeks to provide a different point of view from which people might be able to get information without going through the typical RED FLAGS writings, which are generally very helpful.

Inside the Mind of a Predator

Dear New Person,

I will purposely choose you because you are younger, new and/or uneducated in the lifestyle. I will use my age, experience (although it may be falsely created), and purported wisdom to earn your trust, through whatever means necessary, and then use that trust to isolate you from others by telling you what I believe you want to hear. It’s going to be easy though, because you’ll be so excited, and so happy that someone like me has chosen you that you’ll tell me everything. You won’t realize that I’m just mimicking your words when I tell you what you need. I’m just a good listener and I know how to read people very well, but you’ll think I’m a mind-reader.

Oh, I can be very convincing, and will try to ingratiate myself with your friends and family, as long as they aren’t lifestylers, to prove to you just how trustworthy I am. I can’t be all that bad if they like me as well, right? I am going to do my best to keep you away from other lifestylers as it’s my job to “protect” you from all those predators. I’m one of the good guys/girls remember, and I know all the right buzzwords to say, have all the right toys, so you’ll know I’m the real deal. You can trust me and you will start to, even though something in the back of your head may be telling you that something doesn’t seem right. Whenever you ask questions that may indicate something might not be all the way correct, I’ll be able to explain it away because you don’t know any better and won’t listen to that little voice. You’re so excited to be doing this, that you will take most of what I say at face value, and question very little. What I’m counting on, and most of the time I’m not disappointed, is that you will forget everything you already know and assume the lifestyle will be everything you dreamed it would, forgetting that real life plays a huge role in what we do. I will be the Christian Grey to your Anastasia.

Oh, don’t be fooled though, as this is part of my game, and I know the rules as I’ve perfected them over time. You’re not going to know specifics about my background, but I’ll make you believe that I’m one of the best, if not the best, at what I do, but I’ll make sure you can’t validate my claims. You might have a hard time getting ahold of me, but I can always explain that away. It could be that I don’t want my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend to find out that I’m living this alternate life without them, or that I don’t want you to know about them as you are my special snowflake, or I might be forthright and lie and tell you, “Oh, we have an open relationship and they are cool with me doing this”. It’s just not their thing. Either way, I’m going to convince you that I have everything under control and to just “trust me”.

Speaking of my background – God forbid you are able to check on my background and speak to people that I’ve run this game on before. Oh no, that just won’t do. I’ll be mysterious and suave and say all the right things, making you the focus of my attention to draw your attention away from me. I’m a master of my feelings as well, and can capitalize on your desire not to want to disappoint me. You see, my little puppet, I want you to want to please me. That’s my ultimate goal because, if I can do that, then I can get away with almost anything. Let me tell you how I’ll get you there.

I will attempt to convince you that other people are not to be trusted even though you see other people trusting them. How will I do this? Well, I will lie to you because that what I’m good at. The deception is how I make this all work. By making others appear to be bad or incompetent, I can elevate your perception of me in your mind. To the honest person with a conscience, this is very difficult, but for me, having taken the time to develop these skills for my own satisfaction, I have become quite the expert. Sure I’ll humor you and let you do some research on your own, but because you’re so new, I’ll be able to refute anything you find if it seems contrary to what I’m trying to accomplish. There I go, being really slick again. Damn I’m good at this.

I won’t want to attend public events nor will I want you to attend them, using the excuse that I’m a private person and I want to spend all my time with you, because we need to focus on “our” relationship without any outside interference, even though I know that being around others more experienced and wise could potentially help us. That is, if I was truly interested in us, but you and I both know that’s not the case. I’m all about me and will use you to be all about me. Again, I’m going to make you feel really special. “Those people” don’t really know what they’re doing, can’t appreciate you for what you are so there’s really nothing I could learn from them anyway. You see, I’ve done my research and I know enough to be able to fool most people, especially you being so new, which is why I have to keep you isolated so that you can’t find out that I don’t know as much as I say I know. I’ll always be one step ahead of you though, as you are more than likely are not my first victim. I’ve done this to others and may be doing it to more than one person at a time. Oh, there I went and did it again. I gave away one of my secrets.

I’m going to push you to enter in an arrangement with me as soon as possible – Making you my submissive or slave as soon as I can. That way, I can lock you down and now, because I’m your Master,/Mistress/Dominant/Domme/Daddy/Mommy or whatever, and I will have access to everything you do because you trust me. I’ve become your everything and you’re living this wondrous dream. Now that I’ve become your everything, you will wholeheartedly believe that I’m going to do what’s right by you. At first, it will seem like a fantasy come true, with you having experiences like you never had before, but over time it will slowly start to devolve.

Depending on how much I think I can get from you, I may make your fantasy last a while and really get you snared. You see, the deeper I can drag you in, the more success I will have of getting what I want now and for a longer period to follow. It isn’t until I tire of you, getting what I can, or you start to get more information from other sources, possibly exposing me for the fraud that I am, will I bail. I’m going to continue to say the right things, and convince you that you can’t live your life without me, now that you’ve found what fulfills you. My endgame could be sexual, or could be I just want to abuse you, or that I thrive on being controlling and manipulative.

Things will be good for a while, until you find something. It may be small but it will be significant. You might decide to go to a munch without me, or send a message to someone asking an innocent question, or read something online that doesn’t make sense based on what I said. If you’re obedient and tell me about first, I’ll be able to convince you that it’s either a waste of your time, or point you to a resource that supports my story. Everyone is disobedient at least once (I lose so many potential victims this way) and since you’ll probably not tell me about it, then I’m on the road to being caught for the fraud I am – busted – this always eventually happens. Things will start to unravel with the more information you acquire. It’s when this happens that you might see the deeper darker side of my personality, and things might get ugly. There’s no predicting how I’m going to react to “your betrayal” which I will use to draw you back. You’re going to feel guilted into staying and trying to “fix” things as you’re sorry that you hurt me by questioning my better and obviously more experienced judgment. I may even become either emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive and blame you for causing the situation. With some people this actually works and I’m able to hold onto them for a long time, but even that only lasts so long as they all eventually learn the truth about me, about what kind of person I really am. Do I care if this takes something from you? No, absolutely not. I care about what it did for me, no matter how short-lived. When it’s all said and done, I will cast you aside after I have gotten what I need from you and then move on to the next unsuspecting victim – new to the scene and blinded by this fantasy. This is what I do.

Here are some things I want all of you new people to do to make things easier for me:

Don’t talk to other people – they might be able to expose me for the fraud I am and if I’ve taken advantage of them, they might tell you.
Don’t go to munches – You might learn something I don’t know and I won’t be able to take advantage of you.
Continue to think you know everything walking in the door – I’m so happy to hear that you haven’t taken the time to educate yourself in this lifestyle.
Don’t use your common sense – it always makes it so difficult to ensnare someone when they do.
Do forget what you already know – This is purely a fantasy world and everything is different here. Just ask me – I’ll always tell you the truth.
Stop doing your research – How can I be expected to succeed if you’re more knowledgeable than me and can see through my bullshit.
Listen to me, and me only – second and third opinions always ruin things for me.
Agree to meet up with me in private – that’s always going to turn out well for you – trust me.
Blindly believe everything I tell you as if it was the gospel – you do want me to succeed, don’t you?
Don’t wait to jump into a relationship – the sooner I can get you locked down, the more I’m able to use you for my own purposes.
Don’t believe all those people that tell you to educate yourself first – what do they know? I don’t care if they are legitimately trying to keep you safe. This is not about being safe – it’s all about me.


The Typical Predator


A number of people have asked me to either link to this article or repost it. Please feel free to do so across this and other social media platforms. This is for everyone and needs to get out to as many people as possible.

A huge thank you to everyone for your positive feedback and comments. For those of you who sent me private messages – Thank you for sharing your story with me.

As chilling and creepy as this writing is, and as hard as it was to write, I felt it to be of paramount importance to share a perspective that people are uncomfortable addressing. I would much rather someone feel discomfort now, than worse later after it happens.

Keep in mind your surroundings, learn how to be situationally aware, use common sense, learn about what we do, don’t forget what you know, understand what to look for in a person’s behaviors and know the red flags. These are all good factors to employ in entering the lifestyle and hell, they are good things to keep in mind for all aspects of life.

With that said, and even taking into account all those factors, with there being more to consider based on the situation, there are still people who will fall prey to those people out there looking to take advantage of them.

The predator I describe in my writing is well practiced and experienced at what they do. They’ve taken the time to learn what they need to do to excel at it. All of us need to take the same time to learn how to either avoid or combat this threat directly. If we are as prepared as they are, we will diminish their chances of success. The more they know that we know, and that we can identify who they are, the less effective they will be.

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The Art Of Sensual Primal Play with Rev Mel at the Stockroom in Los Angeles

The Rev Mel Show Live on

Saturday, December 06, 2014 · 3:00 PM – 6:00 PM
Stockroom Hall
2809 1/2 W. Sunset Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90026 @ map
Cost: $10
Dress code: Come as you are
Book your tickets Now

Primal Play is about touching the erotic and sensual part of who we are. It is flesh on flesh it’s the wild within all of us. The uncivilized part of who we are where nothing exist but the fire of erotic energy. Primal is our foundation of our basic instincts and our animal nature as we embrace our animal nature. Touching, smelling and being creative with our hands, mouth and body it is core of our sexually.

A headspace and mindset and attitude of leaving the body and becoming a nonhuman shift into an animalistic being. It is love making and play at the primal level of our true self.

Primal Play is the release from being a modern human and to be in privative state of mind where we let loose the taboos that are pushed open us. It’s without restraints as a human without shame and to embrace our desirers and back to the basic instincts of our soul. It is expressing passion and sensual energy without restraints in our mind and body and most of all without fear.

This is place where our body and mind fine tunes the most primitive self as we touch that place of letting go and just being in the moment. It is hot and sensual will touch your inner nature of your true self and you learn to a new way to that hidden part of you.

Primal is the raw, animalistic, wild, sexual and uncivilized part of who we are conditioned to be in our daily life. We are taught to ignore, pretend and hide this feeling inside of us and not to share this wild side to the outside world. This exists within all of us and the animal within us is calling us out. Come change the dogma and find your true self as shed the taboo of what others have put on us.

Primal is a consciousness or space as an individual is connected to their animalistic, primal urges and thinking out of the box. It is sexual, wild and hot state of mind and a place where the dance begins.

Open enrollment is now in effect, and just like college, all the best classes fill up fast, so don’t get left out in the halls, reserve your space today!

Yummy snacks and refreshments will be served.

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I have mixed emotions about this subject

Mel_2014Just saw a post about bring family members in to the scene. I have mixed emotions about this subject. I’m a mother of an adult child and have a story to tell.

My daughter is not happy about my life choice of BDSM and that I’m as public as I am. She feel what we do is not right. I had a submissive and did a collaring ceremony at the Lair many years ago and when she found out she was mad at me for not inviting her. I knew how she felt about the all this and felt that she would not be a happy camper at the Lair. Watching me put a collar someone’s neck.

So months later I was celebrating my birthday at the Lair and I knew she was going out of town so I invited her. I knew she would not come but I was so wrong. Kane the owner of the Lair de Sade came and got me and said someone was outside that was not a member and wanted to come into my birthday party. When I walked out front there was my daughter and boyfriend with big smiles on their faces. I turned red knowing well enough that she would not enjoy this evening at all. She got an eye full that night and her boyfriend got a kick out all of this but this was really not her cup of tea. When the time came for my slave/boyfriend to take my spankings my daughter said it was time for her and her boyfriend to leave.

The Lair de Sade

The Lair de Sade

In the last 20 years she had been to the Lair two times afterwards once on Halloween and once for a fundraiser for our Live TV Network about BDSM. Watching her is like watching ants crawl all over her body and she is tied up. She is not kinky at all and I can tell on her face that is not a happy place for her.

My daughter calls us “you people” and looks down on what we do. So I’m public person in BDSM and she hates what I do. There is nothing I can do to convince her that we are normal people and not twisted mother fuckers that just are wracked out of our minds.

It’s not my job to convince her or to introduce her to my life choice, she lives her life to her own rules and interest. As her mother I have been a very good single mom that raised an amazing young woman that I’m so proud of.

She respects me and I respect her and I keep my life choice away from her because she feels very uncomfortable around all of this. She did not have an easy time being raised by a mother that thought out of the box as I was never a soccer mom and always a bit different.

I don’t believe it’s our job to bring our family members into BDSM but if they do come into the lifestyle on their own than we can be open about talking about this. Everyone has to make their own choice and if they are meant to be in this life choice they will find their way.

I respect my daughter choice and know this is not her thing so our family dinners are very vanilla and calm. I have to think about all of the people in my family that this could affect not just me. What I do is a choice and I protect her of people finding out. Most of us in this life style know each other but don’t really know our real name and we tend to keep it that way to protect our love ones. We call life choice Safe, Sane and Consensual because many of us try to keep our love ones safe from people knowing and judging them. This is what you do when you love your family and would never want to cause them harm in any way. My kink is not my daughter’s kink and protect her first and me second. It has always been this way and it will never change. We tell our sub’s that we hurt you but never harm you but with my daughter I will never hurt her or harm her in any way, that’s what mother’s do.

Thanks for reading this and walk in peace, love, joy and kink,
Rev Mel

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Rev Mel to be interviewed on Karen Summer xxx radio show Oct 5, 2014 at 6:30

4OcHjWsQ_400x400Come and join us as karen Summer interviews Rev Mel from Live  on at 6:30 PM PS T with Host Karen Summer xxx tonight Oct 5th 2014. It should be a fun and sexy show and it’s live on the net. Mel_2014

Share Button Line up for November and December

1 - Copy

Live on List of shows.
We are Live FREE BDSM TV just go to and Watch Live

Monday Nov 3 @ 8 PM PST Sir Pyro and slave_goddess The Rev Mel Show
Tuesday Nov 4 @ 7:30 PM PST Inside Fetish Guest Mistress Ashley Reigns Goddess Genesis
Tuesday Nov 4 @ 9 PM PST Guest Hudsy Hawn; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie
Monday Nov 10 @ 8 PM PST Dragon_San The Rev Mel Show
Tuesday Nov 11 @ 7:30 PM PST Mistress Ashley Reigns Inside Fetish with Goddess Genesis
Tuesday Nov 11 @ 9 PM PST Guest Kinky Klaus; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie
Monday Nov 17 No Show
Tuesady Nov 18 No Shows
Monday Nov 24 @ 8 PM PST MsCynthia The Rev Mel Show
Tuesday Nov 25 @ 7:30 PM PST Guest Mistress Cyan Inside Fetish with Goddess Genesis
Tuesday Nov 25 @ 9 PM PST Guest Kasod; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie Rope Bondage.The Rev Mel Show Live on

Monday Dec 1 @ 8 PM PST Entropy156 The Rev Mel Show
Tuesday Dec 2 @ 7:30 PM PST Inside Fetish with Goddess Genesis
Tuesday Dec 2 @ 9 PM PST Guest TBA; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie
Monday Dec 8 @ 8 PM PST Miss_Tearious The Rev Mel Show all about Latex
Tuesday Dec 9 @ 7:30 PM PST Inside Fetish with Goddess Genesis
Tuesday Dec 9 @ 9 PM PST Guest TBA; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie
Monday Dec 15 @ 8 PM PST Guest Dr Limor The Rev Mel Show (Dr Limor from Playboy Radio)3
Tuesday Dec 16 @ 7:30 PM PST Inside Fetish with Goddess Genesis
Tuesday Dec 16 @ 9 PM PST Guest TBA; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie
Monday Dec 22@ 8 PM PST Mistress Ashley Reigns The Rev Mel Show
Tuesday Dec 23 @ 7:30 PM PST Inside Fetish with Goddess Genesis
Tuesday Dec 23 @ 9 PM PST Guest TBA; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie
Monday Dec 29 @ 8 PM PST Thizbee The Rev Mel Show
Tuesday Dec 30 @ 7:30 PM PST Inside Fetish with Goddess Genesis3
Tuesday Dec 30 @ 9 PM PST Guest TBA; Naughty or Nice with Miss Cassie

Talking Sex Radio AKA is the net’s leading destination for adults who want to explore the sight and sounds of erotica with taste and style. This unique streaming broadcasts live TV shows about BDSM and Kink were created to develop a video portal combines titillating sexual imagery with the cutting-edge technology and the BDSM community. We are about creating a blue print with our live broadcast that reached out to teach and educated new players in BDSM.

Since it’s launch in December 2005, more than 3800,000 unique listeners/viewers have join the community here on The site cutting-edge content from Live Free Kink TV Shows, musicians, artist, writers, photographers, models and light minded folks, all on the vanguard of today’s pop sex culture. and is an ever-changing environment with new content added daily. started out as an audio podcast that highlight the BDSM community and life choice. Then when the TV shows were developed the name was changed to TSR stands for Talking Sex Radio and still believes in education and creating space with freedom in mind to be who you are. It is the foundation of TSR and the right to have an adult life without fear.

If you wish to be a guest or a sponsor please contact Rev Mel here on Fetlife.

We are changing the world one Vanilla at a time.

All shows are produced by M.A.P. Production and TSRnetwork Studio

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