How can one express in an open letter about the lessons that one have learned from this past year? To be honest with oneself and to freely open up your private thoughts with friends and strangers. Taking that end of the year look at how your life seem to go within your eyes. But how did others see you? We have this vision in our mind of what we think we did and if we made a difference.
It’s only one point of view and that point of view is clouded within our minds and is it all real? We ask ourselves at the end of a year where did this year go as we look forward to the next year. So reflecting on my life of this past year is something that I have mixed emotions about.
One thing that resonates within my mind is, “ what is this life we choose?” There is a lot of chatter that runs wild within my thoughts as I look to why I do things and what is importance to my life. My life what is it really? The lessons of this year has humbled me to a place of peace for the first time in my life. The need to fit in or be liked is no longer in my frame of thoughts. My voice is strong and I don’t sensor the tone of my voice or my speech.
I have seen so many changes in the BDSM life choice within this year. I have lost dear, dear friends and have met some amazing new friends as the days mingle in this dream like movie of change and lost. To set free old ways and to let go of what my thoughts of friendship was like pulling a child away from their mothers milk. A calmness has surrounded me with a sense of nothingness. Truly to be lost in only creativity without a end has been what my year has been like.
Looking at the bright eyes of all the new people coming into this life choice I remember when I was new with excitement as I embraced this life choice. Often, I talk about that new fresh faces will be the leaders of tomorrow and some day I will be the thing of the past. I embrace this with hope and love and let go as I know these young new people are our future and I give them willing my support and love.
As you grow older you look at life in a different way and the blinders are off and see really what is before you as you let go of false illusions of what is and what will be. I have come to realize that BDSM is only a small part of who I am. My mind is filled with memories and compassion of others and for myself. To see yourself in a different perspective and to really look at self is not an easy process. To rip off the core of who you thought you were and really look into the mirror and look at your eyes looking back. You see the aging that lined your face and the aches that you feel when you first stand up. You embrace it and hold on to it with understanding for the first time in your life. I am who I am and that is just they way it is. Nothing more and nothing less it’s not how we see our self but if we made a difference in the world and the people that we have touched.
This year I lay naked for all to see but most of all for myself to see as I have come to the revelation that the only thing that matters is self love at any age and to find peace within one’s self. As I age the youth in my body is no longer my driving force but my mind is bright and my thoughts are strong. As I look at this past year. I no longer have the need to move mountains and prove who I am as that is a forever losing battle that many taken. I too have taken that road but this year has been a clarity of the need to no longer worry about things that are out of my control. I no longer carry anyone else thoughts or judgment on my shoulders. None of this matters anymore but what I have found to replace negative actions and thoughts is to stay on the positive side of life. No more time for petty game or head trips that want to mingle with my mind and soul. Vision of what is really going on matters more to me as this year was like a being liberated of past needs and wants.
The need to prove one’s self no longer is a part of my being or to be out every weekend just to be seen. I have taken time to heal my spirit and soul but most of my mind. Seeing people for who they are has been quite an enlightenment experience this year as the blinder are off. I find that being alone with creativity is more comfort then to be out and about. The need to be the center of the universe or the life of the party is like a prison to me as I sit quietly back and watch others take up that role. I now understand this and know that it will happen one day with me as I grow older. We all make our mark and change this life choice for the next generation that is coming up in the ranks. This is how life is as you get to place you don’t have anything to prove and you’re at peace with it. It is what it is and that is really what life is all about.
For the younger generation I say to you, Play more, have more fun and really take a look at why you here both in the BDSM world and the vanilla world as both are importance. Don’t forget kindness and compassion and remember that everyone of us walked in your foot steps. Find that place inside your mind and soul where you can truly be that person that make a difference. It does not matter how well you throw a flogger or how many slaves you have. What matters is how you treat others and that your word is your bond. Be real as you are dealing with real people with hearts and souls not just someone to do your bidding. Kindness and compassion should be one the number one action within yourself. Don’t feed the ego, feed the heart and soul as you think about next year and where you wish to be and what you wish to create. Make a difference in our BDSM World walk with honor and integrity and don’t just mouth the words but follow it up with actions. Give back and don’t worry if others will give back to you because in this big picture of life none of this matters. What matters is finding peace within your soul. Peace will set you free.
For me I look forward to 2015 and embrace it with a new perspective on where I need to go. I learned how to honest with myself and others and that I can not make anyone into something that they are not. I learned friendship and help friends are rewarding but you must first make sure that you healthy within your own mind. Like on the airplane where they tell parents you must first put on your life raft. It’s the same thing with friends.
When I first moved into apartment I was not healthy from a past experience and took care of a friend that I loved and adored. I was in no shape to take care of someone else and I should have been taking care of myself and heal from a past hurt. I was hurting inside from years of feeling lost and depressed.
The more I helped her the sadder I got as I really was not taking care of my needs. She came first so many times as she was hurting and I nursed her back to the real world and forgot about nursing myself. For six months it was about her pain and how she felt and she did not see the pain that I was in during that time. I did not use my voice with her and I should have. Looking back I know that I could not give her what she need as I had nothing left in me to give as far as our friendship. I was filled up with such sadness that nothing or no one could get through the walls of sadness and pain. The more she gave me as a friend the more I shut down and sadness would over take me. I just need to be alone and take my time to work this all out. For over 3 years I was never alone and I need that private space in order to heal my broken soul.
Her and I have parted ways from a misunderstanding but really I had nothing to give her because I was a shell of my past self. I did try to explain it to her but she was so badly hurt she could not see or hear me. Wish her a wonderful life and hope it filled with love and respect and she is missed.
I learned that I must take care of my self first and to really use my voice in order to get me that healthy place.. When asked these days to mentor or protect someone I have to pass on it because though the last few years I have lost so much and I must become healthy once again. I stay alone a lot these days because I am healing and I’m trying to bring myself to a different place in my life. A place where kindness matters and I can only give to myself that kindness that I use to give others as I have nothing more to give. I have now spent some alone time and have done a lot of healing one’s soul and I’m strong and more clear on this present moment in time. I filled with love to one’s self and for others as now I have more to give back,.but more of giving back is on the side lines and not all of me any more. I think I have taken 2014 and cleaned away some of the walls that I had built up.
What will 2015 bring who knows as I’m open to anything at this moment in time. In fact I welcome it and welcome new and old friends into my life. I now have a huge part of me that now give back once again, I am now whole again. I walk with truth and self worth with a strong but loving voice. So if you see me out and about in 2015 just know that I’m happy and safe and working on myself.
I don’t make New Years resolutions as I never were able to keep it so the only resolutions I make is to be open to what live brings and work on staying positive and healthy in spirit and my mind. To embrace my faults and weakness and not to worry as much. I believe in a higher power has brought me so much peace and it is my road that I must travel and respect that others need to find their own way to peace.
My advice is find the right path that rings true to you and believe that you can move mountains and change this world on a positive note. Take time for your family, vanilla life and your BDSM life and find the balance that resonates with your soul and mind. Do not allow drama into your being and most of all be kind to others and really listen to someone in need. Give back behind the scenes and do this because of the need to make this life choice a better place. If you see someone in pain reach out and show that you care. Don’t talk about people behind their back in a negative way.
Many people are smiling at a play party and go home and shut there door and fight with their depressions or fears. Reach out more and show kindness to others. From someone that knows that dark space know that someone will not reach out if they are in that very dark place and we miss our chance to help them out. In 2014 I have seen so many people in pain and posting and we need to reach out to people in pain and let them know they are loved. We have to be like hidden quiet angels and touch others with kindness.
I have learned a lot in 2014 and I’m at peace with all that I learned and my wish is that may 2015 be an amazing year for all and walk in peace, love and joy,
Rev Mel
